I haven't posted in a few days, and I need to keep up so here I am, blogging. But, uh, the problem is, what to blog about? I have a bad case of BlogBlock. Is there a cure for that?
There IS something I think about on and off on a fairly regular basis. That's the nature of our past and current friendships and what we look for in developing these friendships. I find it difficult to become close friends with people, at this stage in my life. The women that I have become close to in the past few years are, in large part, women that I currently work with or have worked with. Some have a similar lifestyle to mine, a couple of others don't. The thing about these people is they are just REAL to me. Not at all fake or pretentious. We can talk about anything and I don't feel like I am being judged or looked down upon. I don't feel like I'm back in high school and hesitant to say what I really think and feel. I realize that I should never feel this way but it's a feeling that I still have often, especially when spending time with people in my home town. Maybe it has a lot to do with just the association of growing up in a small town, going to the same school for 12 years, and not being a part of the 'in-crowd' way back when. I felt such insecurity then, and my self-confidence was very low. I became painfully shy, to the point where I would basically not speak at all in groups. I was always severely self-conscious and didn't want to stand out in any way, shape, or form. Much of this has stuck with me and become a part of my personality. It actually helped mold the person that I am today, and in many ways, that isn't a good thing.
Sometimes, being around the people from home, women that I grew up with, went to school with, I'm taken back to those days and that's a time I don't want to go back to. I realize that we're adults now and those teenage years should be forgotten. I feel like I can never really forget though. If someone ignores me or gives me a strange look, all of those feelings come flooding back and I feel like an outcast once again. On the other hand, if I get into a good conversation with someone and I feel like we're really connecting, it erases some of my insecurities and on some level, builds my self confidence.
I want to set a good example for my girls and let them know how important it is to be kind and encouraging to their friends and classmates. I want them to know how something seemingly insignificant can really hurt someone deeply. And that hurt sometimes lasts for years and years and sometimes never totally disappears.
Part of me wants the people that I grew up with to accept me and build friendships with me. I just feel, most times, that it feels forced and unnatural. Probably, in part because of my hangups from the past, and in part, because I feel like the interaction is strained or ingenuine. It's so much easier to talk to the people that I have formed relationships with away from my 'past' environment. I feel like they know the real me and therefore, I can be myself 100% of the time. It's so EASY and comfortable. And who doesn't want 'easy and comfortable', right?
I hope I can find a balance between friendships at home and friendships otherwise. I want to let go of these problems from the past and start new. If that's possible, I'm not sure. But I hope so.
(sidenote, I just ran a 'spellcheck' on my post and it came up with 'BlogBlock' and suggested 'Blackballs'. So, that's a word??!)