Monday, October 17, 2005

I need to let it go.

There is this thing that I need to get over. Something that needs to be put in a room marked 'The Past' and locked up forever. I can't seem to do it though. I think much of it has to do with the fact that nothing like this has ever happened to me before and it involves a close relationship that I had (or so I thought).
Amy was my one of my best friends. We met about 10 years ago at the place that I currently work. We had very little in common, as far as where we were in our lives, but much in common with our personalities. We're both silly, love to shop, love to overeat, and the list goes on. So we became close friends in a short period of time. Long story short (in the course of 10 years), she moved, we remained close, I chose her to be Emma's godmother, she fell in love, got engaged, asked me and my girls to stand in her wedding and this is where it went bad. This was earlier this year. She, apparently, expected me to attend most of the pre-wedding events where she lives in Houston. It wasn't feasible for me to do so. In a matter of a couple of days, she literally cut me out of her life. She would not answer my phone calls, even after I begged. She refused to talk to me. She sent me two emails basically saying that I had been a horrible friend and I was making her life, at the time, miserable. She told me she no longer wanted the three of us to be in her wedding and basically ended the friendship.

Just like that.

I was completely caught off guard. I had feelings that I can't even explain. I questioned every other relationship I had; with Mark, my mom, my sister, my friends, my co-workers, almost everyone. I wondered if they perceived me the way she did. When I say 'questioned', I literally questioned many people to find out how they felt. I told them about comments she had made and how these comments seemed to come out of nowhere. Everyone told me that it sounded like issues on her part, and that the person she described didn't sound like me at all. I know she has issues, I always have, but I just never realized that these issues would cause our friendship, in large part, to end.

I should be over this. I haven't talked to her in months. I tried to write to her and explain things from my point of view. She didn't respond. She has obviously moved on. If she can, why can't I?

I've always been the type of person that doesn't like conflict; I don't like people to be angry with me. She is angry and there's nothing I can do about it. And it makes me nuts. I even have dreams where we reconcile our differences and it's such a load off of my mind when we do.

I've decided that she's done and said such hurtful things, that I could never remain friends with her. I have no desire for her to be in my life, or my family's life. So, why can't I let it go? Is it because of my general desire to be liked? Is it because I lack self confidence and need approval from others? Is it simply because I'm nuts? Whatever it is, I know I need to move on. I'm just not sure how to do that.


Mullet46 said...

Give it time, Na. It is like a death of a loved one. In due time, your hurt will ease to a tolerable level. You will never forget the pain she caused nor will you forget her friendship, but YOUR pain will subside. Just give it time.

Christa said...

Man, this is a question I have asked before too. I wish I had some great words of wisdom for you, but I don't. Unfortunately, in my case, I just stopped allowing people to get close to me. DO NOT DO THIS! Don't let the relationship you had with one person change the person you are or your ability to make more close friends in the future.

Cindy N. said...

I think one of the reasons it continues to bother you is because you ARE a faithful friend to those you care about. The fact that someone has so blatantly shunned you hurts you to the core. As 'mullet46' said, it will take time to feel better about it all, but it will never be forgotten. I had a 'best friend' that something along the same lines happened with, and she ended our friendship. It's been years, and we talk occasionally now, but I have never trusted her enough to let myself get close to her again. I built a huge wall there so that I wouldn't be hurt again. I also feel that if a person acts like that, that I really don't want to be friends with them. I don't need friends like that in my life. I have to many other friends like YOU! I understand your pain about this. Just hang in there and KNOW THAT YOU ARE LOVED BY MANY OTHERS IN YOUR LIFE!

mom2Cole said...

Thanks Cindy, I couldn't have said it better. I'm one of her co-workers who loves her to death.. We have really tried to pick her up through this whole thing that was really horrible on her.

The sad thing about life is that sometimes we have to realize that there are no changing others, even changing their minds or hearts.. only God can do that.. I suggest you give it time, keep her in your prayers and just keep smiling! There's no real answer, but you could always pray for her.

i love ya,

Sarah said...

I can totally relate to this post. I have had a similar situition happen to me a few years ago. I could tell you about it, but that would be one long comment. I'll just say that I still feel hurt. This person cared about nothing but her own self, and would not try to see my side of the story. I do not want this person in my life, but I still feel the need to discuss what happened with her and clear some things up. She is very stubborn and will not budge. There is nothing you can do, you will feel bad, I still do after three years. It's hard to let go of a good friendship/relationship.

Krisco said...

That is sad. Sometimes, people just freak out at their wedding. They think everyone will have the same drop-everything approach that they and their family do.
Maybe after it's all over she will realize the error of her ways.
Or maybe not. And that is sad too. In that case, just like a bad dating relationship, once the hurt goes away you'll realize you are better off without her. : (
(Or maybe send her a little note after the wedding with only best wishes and sorry for any hurt, but without any further explanation...and if that doesn't help, back to the old realization thing...)

Laurie said...

Yikes. That stinks. I wish I had some advice, but I really don't. I just wanted you to know that I'm still here, reading your blog, I've just been whacko crazy with school. College is HARD the second time around, and with a kid!

Anyway, I say just move on the best you can. I still think about a friend I had once who completely ditched me, and I would still love to talk it over with her. I'll never get that chance, but it's still hard to accept.

I'm sorry that Amy hurt you like that. No one deserves that kind of treatment.

mickey said...


Everyone wants to be liked, it's just human nature. I do know that YOU are not the problem here. She was the bridezilla from hell. I agree with maw maw mullet, but the sooner you accept that you did absolutely nothing wrong, the better off you'll be. O.k., thats my two cents.

beki said...

You know my response to Amy - FUCK OFF!!!

There really is no excuse for she she did. The only explaination I can come up with is that she is totally psycho.

At some point you need to cut your losses and move on. I know that isn't easy to do, but it's best for you. The 'friendship with Amy' chapter is over.

I'm sorry she did that to you, you deserve so much better.

selina said...

babe I know how you feel too, my friend of just 6 months told me all about her problems and past and boy there was a list....

She used to text me about 3 times a day email me at least once and then text me to phone her (cheek really)

she then emailed me to say she was going out to tesco, I called her about 9pm as was worried an she was still not answering she obviously avoided me.

She then let me down three times when we had arranged to meet and also avoided my calls and texts.. I felt hurt and upset and told her how I felt by email I also told her I didnt appreciate being let down and would never do that to her and if she was willing to tell me what was going on to contact me.

She sent me an email saying I had taken up to much of her time and that she was angry at my response and didnt want to hear from me again....

I am at a loss and felt really sorry for her at first but now I am getting angry/upset I was there for her and now suddenly I am told dont contact her ever again????????????

what do you guys think