It's 8 minutes into Mother's Day 2008

and I'm reading blogs.

Can't sleep. I was looking back at my posts from last summer when I noticed I had done a 'John M likes' post. I haven't done another one of those in a coon's age (Lord, I'm no Dooce, huh?), so I thought I'd give it a go.

Some of my boy's favorite things at the age of 44 months:

1.)As of last weekend, swimming in the pool. At the mention of it, he starts jumping around, saying 'I'm so 'cited!!' and asking for his life jacket.

2.) Any kind of animal, including bugs. We went to a Wildlife Center today and he loved every second of it.

3.) The Wii. His new favorite game is Mario Karts. He loves to be Bowser because he's 'strong and has big muscles'.

4.) Singing in the car. His sisters and I have him singing all of our favorites, Kenny, Sugarland, and I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T!

5.) Playing in the dirt. I think this one has been on the list for a while. Piles of dirt are his favorite.

6.) Riding his new John Deere tractor. He loves it.

7.) Painting, coloring, playing with play-dough, cutting, gluing, you name it. He's an arts and crafts junkie. He's also starting to write his letters. Woo-hoo.

8.) Oh! How could I forget this one? Picking flowers. Or cutting them with his little mini-scissors. He loves to pick them and give them to me. The only problem is the stem is usually about 1/2 inch long. It's hard to put them in a vase like that.

9.) Picking (and eating) blackberries. Yum.

10.) Watching 'Sky High', 'The Jungle Book', 'Cat in the Hat', and 'Mickey's Great Clubhouse Hunt', not necessarily in that order.

And can I say, that age 3 is my favorite age? He cracks me up on a regular basis. And he's so sweet, I could hug him all day long. He's even somewhat independent, so I can get some things done around the house. I really don't want age 3 to end. And he starts school in 3 short months. Unbelievable.

I love you, John M. You're my best boy.

What I don't talk about

I don't have a 'tell-all' blog.

It's supposed to be a diary of my life. Something for me to look back at
when the kids are grown.

But it's definitely an edited version.

I guess because I worry about the people that I know. I mean really KNOW that read it.

I want to keep certain things to myself, because if I share too much, they'll know that my life is far from perfect.

I want to put it all out there to share with you. Well, not ALL but more.

I decided to start tonight and share something that I 'don't talk about'.

I perpetually feel like I don't fit in. Maybe it all stems from elementary school. I can distinctly remember not fitting in, as early as first grade. I had friends, but I usually felt like I had to try hard to be what I thought they wanted me to be. This continued all throughout my school years, and ended up with me being painfully shy, even through high school.

I've outgrown most of my shyness; I've never outgrown the insecurity. The feeling that I won't be liked for who I am. The feeling that people would rather be talking to someone else. The feeling that I'm not interesting. Or smart enough.

At the age of 38, I feel like I should be more comfortable with who I am and say 'screw it' to anyone who doesn't like or accept me. But I can't shake the insecurity many times.

I've made strides with just being who I am, not trying to be something else for someone else, because I think that's what they want or expect or need. I have hopes that this will make me feel more accepted and liked for truly who I am. The truth is most times, it just makes me feel different. Alone. Misunderstood.

But, at the same time, in doing that, I do feel better about myself.

That will have to do, even if I don't ever really 'fit in'.

Grateful Friday

So grateful . . .

- that it's finally Friday!

- for those green eyes above

- for warm summerish days

- to be going on a mini-vacation in two weeks

- for packages of goodies coming in next week (that I ordered this week!)

- for my Agapanthus about to bloom any day now

- that there's only 2 1/2 weeks of school, homework, etc. left for the year!

- for getting to watch Emma at archery class yesterday. Yet one more thing my kids can do that I never learned how.

- for Anna's graduation dress problem being solved.

- for everyone in my family being healthy.

Hope y'all have a great weekend. It's gonna be a wet one here.

The Graduate

How did I end up with a child going into 'high school'?

Actually middle school, but it's considered part of high school, and
definitely not elementary.

Anna graduates next month. There's a ceremony and a party afterwards.
And a dress and shoes and gifts. And I'm not ready. I mean, I guess I'm 'ready'
as in, we have the dress and I'm working on the gifts. I'm not ready mentally
is the thing. She's gone into 'grown-up' mode, wanting to stay by herself, not
go to the 'babysitters' house, etc. Hell, she even talks about driving!
She's only 12!!

I remind myself that she is no longer a 'little kid' and I have to learn to let
go. I just prefer to do it grad-u-a-ll-y...

I'm making her an elementary years scrapbook for her graduation gift. Above is a
little montage I'm working on for it. If you have any good gift ideas, for a 12-year-
old going on 21, please throw them at me.

I wish . . .

John M likes to 'I wish' lately.

It's his passive aggressive toddler way of stating what he really wants, but won't go the full nine in asking for.

He also has a fascination with cops lately, or as he calls them 'po-lice offiters'.
At first, he saw them as 'bad guys' and he was afraid of them (probably because I mostly refer to them in fear, like 'Oh s&!#, a cop, let me slow down before they catch me!').

But I explained to him that po-lice offiters are really there to keep us safe. He asked me how they keep us safe. I told him that if someone tried to steal him, the po-lice offiters would arrest that person and put them in jail.

That had him thinking for a little while.

Then he says, 'I wish someone would try to take me but real slow.'

Me: 'What?!'

He said, 'Real slow, mama. Then, the po-lice offiter would have time to get there and save me.' And then, you see, he could meet the elusive offiter, but still not actually be stolen.

Works for me, as long as I don't get that speeding ticket.

Grateful Sunday

Okay, so I missed 'Grateful Friday' and 'Thankful Thursday', alright?

Today was a good day; nothing particularly spectacular happened, but it just felt nice and balanced. That's what I strive for each day, 'balance' and I do appreciate it when I feel like I've achieved it.

We spent the weekend in Gonzales at an Arabian horse show that Mark entered one of his horses in. We stayed in my brother-in-law's RV and it was crowded and COLD, but nice. Nice to get away, and nice to be together. We got back this morning, and I spent time with John M. at the park and the lake feeding the ducks. I caught up on some housework and visited my sister and her kids. Mark spent some much needed kid-time with all the kids the entire weekend, and I felt like it gave he and I some much needed peace.

So, I'm thankful for balance, thankful for family, and thankful that I had time to do this post.

Long Time, No Post

I didn't realize it had almost been a month since I've posted. It's been busy.
Anna just wrapped up her softball season, and Emma is just starting hers. Anna's well into the volleyball season, and just made the cheerleading squad for next year. That's all we need, one more thing to do.

We had a fishing rodeo last week and John M. loved it. That's where the pic comes from. I've found that Emma and John are like me (so far) and enjoy fishing, minus the putting the live bait on and taking the fish off the hook. Does the remainder even count as fishing? I say it does. Although, I did, for the first time in my 38 years bait the hook with 3 crickets! (I got tired of asking the 10-year olds to do it for me).

Springtime is here and I'm loving the warm weather. I think it's finally here to stay. I'm trying to work a little on getting my bleach-white legs a tad darker.
So, basically this is a boring post about nothing, but hey, at least I broke my non-posting streak.

Not Quite Joan

The ‘bad mom’ blues have me down some lately. Not on a ‘Mommy Dearest’ level, but just feeling neglectful.
I have this continuous feeling that I can’t give everyone what they need. I can give them little bits and pieces of time, and maybe a bigger chunk every now and then, but not enough. I guess there’s never enough time. That’s what it boils down to. Between hauling kids from activity to activity and trying to keep the house just a tiny bit organized, every minute is reserved for something. Oh, and then there’s school. We can’t forget about that, even though lately that seems to fall between the cracks. Priorities a little screwy here?

I feel the need to get back on track. Maybe just a little, nothing crazy. I need a day off from work and from the kids. I feel the need to organize. My thoughts and my space. Anyone offering to come over and help?

I’ll let you know how it goes.

Or maybe I just need a long bath . . .

Whassup

So, it's almost March, eh? I hope, with March, comes warm weather. Lasting warm weather, not just the little teases we've been getting.

Anna's softball season is in full swing now and I don't like to watch ball games with hard nipples. I'd much rather sweat.

In other news, my house is in disarray. We had to basically rebuild the front wall of our house because of moisture damage. Which led to having to spray for termites. And the destruction of all of our landscaping (which was pretty ugly anyway). And having to re-drywall part of John's room. Which leads to repainting. Oh yeah, and the floors are just half done in various rooms. It's lovely, let's just leave it at that.

In order to make myself feel better, I'm starting to plan a summer vacation. Any ideas?

I think we need a new farm animal . . .

Drumroll please . . .


















Cows . . . check
Horses . . . check
Donkey named Toto . . . check
Goats . . . not yet, but any minute now. Mark has goats on the brain.

So, tell me, what's a good name for a cute wee goat like this?