Monday, October 24, 2005

BlogBlock

I haven't posted in a few days, and I need to keep up so here I am, blogging. But, uh, the problem is, what to blog about? I have a bad case of BlogBlock. Is there a cure for that?

There IS something I think about on and off on a fairly regular basis. That's the nature of our past and current friendships and what we look for in developing these friendships. I find it difficult to become close friends with people, at this stage in my life. The women that I have become close to in the past few years are, in large part, women that I currently work with or have worked with. Some have a similar lifestyle to mine, a couple of others don't. The thing about these people is they are just REAL to me. Not at all fake or pretentious. We can talk about anything and I don't feel like I am being judged or looked down upon. I don't feel like I'm back in high school and hesitant to say what I really think and feel. I realize that I should never feel this way but it's a feeling that I still have often, especially when spending time with people in my home town. Maybe it has a lot to do with just the association of growing up in a small town, going to the same school for 12 years, and not being a part of the 'in-crowd' way back when. I felt such insecurity then, and my self-confidence was very low. I became painfully shy, to the point where I would basically not speak at all in groups. I was always severely self-conscious and didn't want to stand out in any way, shape, or form. Much of this has stuck with me and become a part of my personality. It actually helped mold the person that I am today, and in many ways, that isn't a good thing.

Sometimes, being around the people from home, women that I grew up with, went to school with, I'm taken back to those days and that's a time I don't want to go back to. I realize that we're adults now and those teenage years should be forgotten. I feel like I can never really forget though. If someone ignores me or gives me a strange look, all of those feelings come flooding back and I feel like an outcast once again. On the other hand, if I get into a good conversation with someone and I feel like we're really connecting, it erases some of my insecurities and on some level, builds my self confidence.

I want to set a good example for my girls and let them know how important it is to be kind and encouraging to their friends and classmates. I want them to know how something seemingly insignificant can really hurt someone deeply. And that hurt sometimes lasts for years and years and sometimes never totally disappears.

Part of me wants the people that I grew up with to accept me and build friendships with me. I just feel, most times, that it feels forced and unnatural. Probably, in part because of my hangups from the past, and in part, because I feel like the interaction is strained or ingenuine. It's so much easier to talk to the people that I have formed relationships with away from my 'past' environment. I feel like they know the real me and therefore, I can be myself 100% of the time. It's so EASY and comfortable. And who doesn't want 'easy and comfortable', right?

I hope I can find a balance between friendships at home and friendships otherwise. I want to let go of these problems from the past and start new. If that's possible, I'm not sure. But I hope so.


(sidenote, I just ran a 'spellcheck' on my post and it came up with 'BlogBlock' and suggested 'Blackballs'. So, that's a word??!)

6 comments:

candyfortheteacher said...

You know would have to agree with you on some of what you said. I still live close to the little town I grew up in and like you went to the same school with the same people for 12 years. I sometimes see them or through my husbands work attended social functions with them. It is strained to see and talk to them again when you have a history of bad blood. I am 40 now and there is something about being a 40 year old woman that gives you the strength to basic tell everyone to like me or lump me. I act like my true self, outgoing and cheerful, not shy. I never was extremely shy but I had times that I didn't take up for myself like I should. I do have a friend that I have been best friends with for 38 years. We still talk at least 3 times a week most often daily. This friendshop is one I cherish. True friends are a treasure. The fake ones aren't worth the time.

Christa said...

I don't have any friendships with anyone I grew up with. When I left my hometown, I left it all. I do go back occasionally but rarely run into old classmates. When I do we do our cordial "hellos" and "how are ya's" but that's about it. I wish I had a friendship from childhood like some of the people I know do. I think that would be incredible to know things about eachother that date so far back. I had a best friend, Amy, from age 10 on. We were so close and I lost her when we were 23. Since then I find it hard to get close to people. I feel for your situation, because I think we are very similar.

Krisco said...

Renee,

I totally relate. I think the thing is (like in high school) to be yourself, and maybe those people will also see who you are. More likely, it will turn out (like in high school), if you had your choice you might not like to be friends with them anyway. Either you click or you don't, and it's probably not the past holding you back anyway. (??)

I went back for a HS reunion a couple years ago. Just like some weird deja vu, I had my plate, and was standing there looking around for a spot to sit. Oddly, three of the more popular gals from our class waived me over.

I was so - disappointed. They really *were* talking about everyone else in class, were boring themselves, and had nothing else to say. Wish I'd held out and looked for a spot with the more random people I used to hang with. Now *they* were fun!

Krisco said...

And to Candy - wow, how lucky. Your whole life. That is an awesome friendship.

beki said...

I still live in the same town I grew up in, though it's changed quite a bit. I don't have any friends from my childhood. Heck, I don't have many friends period. Acquaintances, I have many, but true friends, not really, except for you, of course. (<-- could I use any more commas in that sentence?) I have a hard time being myself and revealing myself to others. I think being a friend is something special that should be reserved only for those who you really click with. I’d rather have one or two really good friends than lots of so-called friends. I don’t think having a history is as important as having a bond. Back in school you were friends with people because of your circumstances, now that you’re an adult you have a choice.

chesneygirl said...

I can relate. ALOT!

I still live in the same town I grew up in. I didn't have alot of close friends in high school and I hardly stay in touch with anyone from those days. Although I wasn't the school "nerd" but I was always shy and felt out of place...I never knew what to say to the "popular" kids.
And I still struggle with this when I see someone from that crowd, not knowing what to say.

I went to my 10 year HS reunion a couple years ago, and it's sad, but all the same cliques formed at it. Very disappointing! Needless to say it was a forgettable night and I doubt I'll go to any future reunions.

I work with ALL men, I'm the ONLY woman, so I obviously haven't really made a close relationship with anyone there.

Church is where I've seem to have found most of my friends recently. But even still, I haven't felt comfortable enough with them to completely open up to them either.

Kinda funny, my blogging friends seem to be the only people I can really open up to these days.