Wednesday, May 07, 2008

What I don't talk about

I don't have a 'tell-all' blog.

It's supposed to be a diary of my life. Something for me to look back at
when the kids are grown.

But it's definitely an edited version.

I guess because I worry about the people that I know. I mean really KNOW that read it.

I want to keep certain things to myself, because if I share too much, they'll know that my life is far from perfect.

I want to put it all out there to share with you. Well, not ALL but more.

I decided to start tonight and share something that I 'don't talk about'.

I perpetually feel like I don't fit in. Maybe it all stems from elementary school. I can distinctly remember not fitting in, as early as first grade. I had friends, but I usually felt like I had to try hard to be what I thought they wanted me to be. This continued all throughout my school years, and ended up with me being painfully shy, even through high school.

I've outgrown most of my shyness; I've never outgrown the insecurity. The feeling that I won't be liked for who I am. The feeling that people would rather be talking to someone else. The feeling that I'm not interesting. Or smart enough.

At the age of 38, I feel like I should be more comfortable with who I am and say 'screw it' to anyone who doesn't like or accept me. But I can't shake the insecurity many times.

I've made strides with just being who I am, not trying to be something else for someone else, because I think that's what they want or expect or need. I have hopes that this will make me feel more accepted and liked for truly who I am. The truth is most times, it just makes me feel different. Alone. Misunderstood.

But, at the same time, in doing that, I do feel better about myself.

That will have to do, even if I don't ever really 'fit in'.


Heather said...

I think a lot of women probably feel that way...I know I do a lot. I struggle with insecurity and don't remember a time when I have I understand! Un fortunately, I am not sure if there is one good piece of advice I could give you. However, I do know this and I am reminded everyday....Be YOU! You have a beautiful family that loves you....and in reality....that is what matters most! And you probably fit in more than you realize....just keep your chin up!

beki said...

YOU don't fit in? I never would have guessed that. "Fitting in" and being comfortable with myself is something that I also struggle with. I've always felt this way too, ever since I was a small child. Today I am much more comfortable with who I am, but this has only made me feel that much more like an outsider. I guess we're two peas in a pod, huh? No wonder we're friends!

chesneygirl said...

Me three... just like your first two commenters, I too, struggle with insecurity on a DAILY basis. And it seems like it's gotten worse for me in recent years.
But I don't know why? I wonder why everyday.
I wish I could just not care what other people think and/or say.
But even when nobody says anything and I have no idea what they're thinking, I still obsess and worry about what they MIGHT be thinking of me. I hate it!

So, I feel ya, girlfriend. I do.


Suzanne said...

I feel the same way. Sometimes it seems that I haven't progressed much past high school -- I still fret over whether anyone actually likes me. I'm not as shy as I once was, but I still worry about being a social outcast!

BlondeMomBlog (Jamie) said...

Oh Renee. I had something happen this week earlier at work and I felt right back in high school. I don't have the cool close group of co-workers like I did out of college at my first job. I feel like there is some disdain for my "flex" schedule and I am sure there is a bit of that.

I think a lot of us probably feel this way and just don't talk about it!


capello said...

i've never fit in well either. i was the opposite of why though -- overly outspoken. which is just as much a social henderence as shyness.

i've always been on the fringes of everything, even now as an adult. very few of my friends socialize with each other.

it's weird and ackwards at time, but oh well. i like me. and i like you.

Teri said...

Renee, I feel the exact same way. Was painfully shy as a kid, grew out of alot of it but still have insecurities about myself and always wondering "why are they talking to me, I'm not interesting, etc."

And I'm learning that the older I get the insecurities are getting a little stronger instead of going away. It just makes me fight, that much harder, to get rid of them.

Just being yourself, like you said, is the best medicine.

Laurie said...

I'm certainly not a shy person; I never have been! But I have always felt that I don't fit in. Isn't it weird that a lot of us feel this way? We're all of us strong women, and yet...we're still insecure. I wish we didn't feel like this!

martie said...

I think as we age, we get more and more comfortable with who we are. I used to wonder and worry about what people thought of me, but by the time I reached 40, I no longer cared what they thought or if they liked me or not. I liked me and that was good enough for me! I think you will find this too! You do fit in.....just as we all do in our own worlds. You are loved by family and friends. Heck, I even love you and we only know each other through our blogging!!! Hugs, my dear friend!!! And don't worry, please!

mamatulip said...

There are times when, even now, when I feel my most confident, that feeling of not fitting in smacks me in the face so hard it almost knocks me down.

I get what you're saying.

Lammy said...

Here Here.
You're not alone Pal.

PetiteMommy said...

I'm way more confident now than I was before I became a Mother but I'll perpetually feel like I don't fit in. I totally understand how you feel.

BTW, thanks for the support.

Cindy N. said...

It sounds like there are a 'few' of us that feel the same way. I always have felt that way too, but being with you and nonrev and beki makes me feel like 'one of the gang' albeit the OLD one. I love you girl and I miss seeing you regularly. You are a wonderful, funny, caring, loving, loyal person. Believe!