What I don't talk about

I don't have a 'tell-all' blog.

It's supposed to be a diary of my life. Something for me to look back at
when the kids are grown.

But it's definitely an edited version.

I guess because I worry about the people that I know. I mean really KNOW that read it.

I want to keep certain things to myself, because if I share too much, they'll know that my life is far from perfect.

I want to put it all out there to share with you. Well, not ALL but more.

I decided to start tonight and share something that I 'don't talk about'.

I perpetually feel like I don't fit in. Maybe it all stems from elementary school. I can distinctly remember not fitting in, as early as first grade. I had friends, but I usually felt like I had to try hard to be what I thought they wanted me to be. This continued all throughout my school years, and ended up with me being painfully shy, even through high school.

I've outgrown most of my shyness; I've never outgrown the insecurity. The feeling that I won't be liked for who I am. The feeling that people would rather be talking to someone else. The feeling that I'm not interesting. Or smart enough.

At the age of 38, I feel like I should be more comfortable with who I am and say 'screw it' to anyone who doesn't like or accept me. But I can't shake the insecurity many times.

I've made strides with just being who I am, not trying to be something else for someone else, because I think that's what they want or expect or need. I have hopes that this will make me feel more accepted and liked for truly who I am. The truth is most times, it just makes me feel different. Alone. Misunderstood.

But, at the same time, in doing that, I do feel better about myself.

That will have to do, even if I don't ever really 'fit in'.